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Why Your Team Sucks 2. Cincinnati Bengals. Some people are fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Tickets for Concerts, Sports, Theatre and More Online at TicketsInventory.com. No-registration upload of files up to 250MB. Not available in some countries. Some people are fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Cincinnati Bengals. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in.
Read all the previews so far here. Your team: Cincinnati Bengals. Those towels are stronger than you think. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 6- 9- 1.
The showcase event of the world’s most provincial sport takes place on Sunday in Dublin. A Galway squad takes on Waterford in the All-Ireland Hurling final, as. Cheatbook your source for Cheats, Video game Cheat Codes and Game Hints, Walkthroughs, FAQ, Games Trainer, Games Guides, Secrets, cheatsbook. The Hollywood Reporter is your source for breaking news about Hollywood and entertainment, including movies, TV, reviews and industry blogs. Our film critics on blockbusters, independents and everything in between.
Congrats, Bengals! For the first time in six years, you did NOT lose in the Wild Card round of the playoffs. Galactic leap forward. But if you’re a Bengals fan still pining for the team’s signature touch of consistent nincompoopery, rest assured that Pacman Jones DID tell a cop to suck his dick this offseason. The stability warms my heart. Also, the Bengals had the distinction of subjecting British fans to their first- ever tie game.
Thanks, Mike Nugent! And the Ravens outsmarted them by committing double holding penalties to run out the clock on them. When you want to test out a new, innovative, possibly extralegal way to humiliate an opponent, you do it against the Bengals. Your coach: Marvin Lewis. Again. Hey, guess who doesn’t like the new celebration rules?“I’m not for that at all,” Lewis, who is on the NFL Competition Committee, said of the change. We had a good standard, and the whole standard has always been, you want to teach people how to play the game the correct way and go about it the correct way, and that’s not a very good example for young people.” My man, somehow I doubt celebrating will be much of a problem for you. Your quarterback: Andy Dalton.
Again. Let’s see how Andy fared without support from wideouts Marvin Jones and Mohamed Sanu: Oh. Well, that’s not good. Turns out the strategy of hucking every ball at A. J. Green until his legs snap is a misguided one.
From here on out, Andy Dalton will be the default comparison anytime a team is reluctantly wedded to a mediocre quarterback for a decade or more. He is an innings eater. Well, Kirk Cousins still throws horrible interceptions, but what are we gonna do? Start over? No, I’m afraid we’ve been Daltoned.” What’s new that sucks: Joe Mixon! I should have known.
I should have known that the Bengals would be the team to suck it up and draft the ladypuncher. Asked how he looks, one Cincinnati staffer answered: “Like a beast.”I bet he does! He gets especially beasty if you happen to insult him at a deli. Keep in mind that this team was already in fine shape at running back with Gio Bernard and Jeremy Hill. And yet, those two just didn’t have the criminal panache that is requisite if you want to be a True Bengal. Here’s Mike Brown tying his tongue in a knot to defend Mixon: “He’s a young guy. He turned 2. 1 [on Monday].
The incident that he was involved in was three years ago,” Brown said on Tuesday, via ESPN. He made a terrible mistake. He struck a young woman. He hurt her badly. It was a reflexive action in my mind, when I see the tape of it.
I just think he acted without thought. But it was a terrible result.”Oh, it was a reflexive action! Well then that makes it FINE. I’m using that from now on. Officer, I’m so sorry I shot that street busker to death. But he started playing ‘Hotel California’ and I had a REFLEXIVE ACTION. Terrible result!” What other result does Mike Brown expect from a face punch?
Did he expect daisies to sprout out of the lady’s nose when it happened? What in the living fuck, Mike? Mixon and John Ross were added to help offset the skill position losses that crippled Dalton a season ago. Meanwhile, the offensive line has completely fallen apart to the point where they had to bring Andre Smith’s tits back just to patch up the holes. Defensively, they signed the guy the Panthers cut after Julio Jones roasted him for 3. Good thing the Steelers don’t have a fleet of speedy and dangerous wideouts who could take advantage of such defensive liabilities!
One of their former players took his dick out in church parking lot. What has always sucked: Bored with cripplingopposing players, linebacker and Big Fan Of The Principal’s Office Candy Dish Vontaze Burfict has taken up the fun habit of cheap- shotting his own teammates: Well now, how can you blame this poor wayward soul for the REFLEXIVE ACTION of knee- diving during a non- contact drill? That’s just hard- nosed football, far as I’m concerned. Anyway, your 2. 01.
Bengals are pretty much the same as every Bengals outfit this decade. They’ve got enough talented players to get back to the playoffs and lose in the Wild Card round again. Dalton is inconsistent. Marvin is a clueless goober.
Burfict is a shitbag. And presiding over all of it is Mike Brown, a man so cheap he makes Bud Selig look like Rick Ross. Brown wrote an open letter to fans last month, apparently unaware that virtually every Bengals fan is waiting for him to die. Here are a few of the highlights: Since we were formed in 1. Nippert Stadium, then at Riverfront Stadium, and now at Paul Brown Stadium.
Your asshole stadium took money from schools. Also, I had no idea they once played in a joint called Nippert Stadium. THE BIG NIP. Memories of our first 4. So true. Like the time Chris Henry fell off a truck and died. You have shown us the way to six playoff appearances in the past eight years, including three AFC North division crowns. That did happen. I wonder what happened after they made the playoffs! Do you know the worst part of all this?
For all of Mike Brown’s scumbaggery—from looting local coffers to surreptitiously bribing local aldermen to drafting the Joe Mixons of the world to skimping on hiring a formal scouting department—he still gets fawning knobjobs like this one from the local press. Watch Macbeth Download Full. Mike fought to bring this football family into existence for his father.
He professes a unique pride in keeping it a family business all these years. Many others across the league have failed, whether due to finances or in- fighting. God man, FUCK YOU. This is a billion- dollar franchise and you’re treating it like Uncle Pappy’s General Store? DIE. The guy who wrote this tripe goes on to list all the “family- owned” NFL teams, like they belong in the Smithsonian.
That list (Fords, Browns, Mc. Caskeys, Bidwills, Davises) reads like a case for upping the estate tax to 1,0. Mike Brown is a loser who inherited his team from his old man and hasn’t won a goddamn thing. The man constantly whines about playing in a small market and wants the big boys to share with him even as he makes absolutely no effort to generate any local revenue.
He is a liver- spotted turd. But in the NFL’s orbit, his deathly grip over this franchise is treated as some kind of wistful throwback. Yes, in an age of smartphones and self- driven cars, thank God some things remain constant, like MIKE FUCKING BROWN still being a rich old asshole who deserves to rot on a street corner for time eternity. Real heartwarming stuff. The repo man should have visited this franchise three decades ago. Did you know? Cincinnati is a more hideous Cleveland? Even Ohio doesn’t REALLY want you, Cincy.
Also, five U. S. presidents are from there: William Howard Taft, Rutherford B. Hayes, Ulysses S.
Grant, William Henry Harrison, and Benjamin Harrison. That reads a list of contenders vying to be the second- worst President in history. What might not suck: Those four games a year where Tyler Eifert isn’t hurt? MAGIC. Also, I can’t hate on your 2. Beats Skyline any day. HEAR IT FROM BENGALS FANS!
Michael: I once saw Mike Brown at a First Watch restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup and asked the server specifically if crackers were extra. Brendan: Mike Brown runs his organization as a hybrid of a 1.
He’s like if you turned Jerry Jones inside- out. Dave: Marvin Lewis makes me wish I had more middle fingers.
Michael: The Cincinnati Bengals are not worth your time anymore. Mike: Mark Twain properly defined Cincinnati as always being 1. Our play- calling in clutch moments seems to be holding dearly onto that idea.
Zach: They’re apparently cool with Pacman being a mentor to Mixon. Jon: The Bengals haven’t won a playoff game since Odell Beckham Jr.
An All- Ireland Championship Preview For The Blissfully Ignorant. The showcase event of the world’s most provincial sport takes place on Sunday in Dublin. A Galway squad takes on Waterford in the All- Ireland Hurling final, as Croke Park will be packed with a crowd of 8. In the U. S. or any nation other than Ireland, this matchup, and any hurling event, might have trouble drawing a crowd of 8. The game’s failure to catch the world’s fancy is understandable.
If you didn’t grow up playing hurling, you can’t play it. The required skill set—including the ability to catch a hard ball with one bare hand and hit it with accuracy 7. And, it’s not easy to grasp or explain hurling’s rules. My mother, the child of Irish immigrants, used to tell a tale from her childhood about going to the Bronx in the 1. What is hurling?” she asked her dad in the car on the ride to her first game.
He responded simply, “Hurling is hurling.”My first exposure to the sport came in watching the All- Ireland finals replays on ABC’s Wide World of Sports with my father, also a child of Irish immigrants. And though I couldn’t tell exactly what the hell was going on, it seemed a combination of lacrosse and Kill the Guy With the Ball, and I was immediately thrilled by the nonstop action and awesome violence; it’s peeved me since childhood that Americans tended to hear “curling” whenever I mentioned “hurling.” Now that I’m older and freshly back from my first live hurling experience, at Croke Park on Aug. All- Ireland semifinal, I’ll try a less lay explanation of the sport: Hurling is a game where two teams of 1. Croke Park pitch is 1.
American football field) for two 3. But getting smashed is most of hurling, in no small part because there’s only one referee in charge of the massive field and all those scrambling, stick- swinging bodies. For a far more learned description of the game—with pictures!—go here.)But while the rest of the world will ignore what’s taking place in Dublin, all of Ireland will shut down on game day. Irishmen and Irishwomen that aren’t in the stadium will wish they were. I learned this the hard way: The 2. Ireland, and I went to Croke Park several hours before game time without a ticket but with a wad of Euros and a certainty that I’d be able to buy my way in.
This was before Stub. Hub or any online sites, when street sales were still the default MO for tickets selling). I’d shown up similarly ticketless and cash- rich at what I regarded as bigger events back home before, including Texas vs. Oklahoma, the Red River Shootout, held at the Cotton Bowl at the Texas State Fairgrounds during the middle of the damn Texas State Fair and in a year when both teams came into the game undefeated.
So I pooh- poohed the Irish folks who warned me in the days before the game that I’d never seen anything like what’d I see in Dublin on game day. They were right. I spent hours wandering the streets outside the stadium with what I’d guess to be about 1. Not only did I not get in, I never even found a single scalper before giving up and watching the game in a pub. The natives’ love for hurling is nothing new, and it’s partially by design. Hurling historians claim the game is at least 8.
The sport, along with Irish football, another hyper- provincial pastime overseen by the Gaelic Athletic Association, have been part of the national identity since the late 1. The first All- Ireland finals took place in 1.
GAA decreed that members would be thrown out of the association if they were caught playing soccer, cricket, or rugby, games which folks fighting for a free Ireland regarded as tools of the occupiers from England. Michael Collins, the most famous of the Irish leaders in the War of Independence against the Brits, called those sports “Garrison games” that “only aid the peaceful penetration of Ireland by the British.” The Brits, meanwhile, viewed the GAA as a branch of the IRA during the guerilla campaign that ended with the creation of the Republic of Ireland: On November 2. British soldiers opened fire on unarmed crowds at a GAA event at Croke Park as retaliation for the IRA killing several British intelligence officers in Dublin.
Fourteen Irish citizens, including Tipperary footballer Mick Hogan, were killed in the slaughter remembered as the original “Bloody Sunday.” (The GAA only lifted its ban on non- Gael games in 1. Croke Park, now a hallowed ground which has a whole side of the stadium named after the martyred Hogan, until 2. For all the game’s blood- and- gutsiness, literates looking for an excuse to give hurling a shot can lean on its importance to James Joyce, who put references to the sport in his big works. Take this romantic morsel from Joyce’s greatest hit, Ulysses, which he finished writing in 1. She swore to him as they mingled the salt streams of their tears that she would cherish his memory, that she would never forget her hero boy who went to his death with a song on his lips as if he were but going to a hurling match in Clonturk park. Enhancing the aboriginal ardor: GAA athletes can only play for their home counties, with the association relying essentially on the boundaries of the 3.
Ireland in 1. 88. And all hurlers are now and have always been amateur, despite all the commerce the game has long produced through Croke Park sellouts, jersey sales and, as of this year, a TV deal with Sky. Sports. Gerry Mc. Inerney, who was on Galway teams that won All- Ireland titles in 1. New York Times that because there was no hurling salary, he was forced to live in New York in the offseason during his playing days to work construction, despite being a superstar in his native country. You might get a couple of pints,” Mc.
Inerney said of his sporting pay. And make no mistake: The top hurlers are heroes at home: During my recent trip to Ireland, the reposal and funeral for Tony Keady, the best hurler in the universe in the 1. Galway for a weekend. There has never been any major hanky- panky regarding one county poaching another county’s athletes, or a hurler changing addresses to play for a squad with a better shot at winning the All- Ireland championship, or under- the- table payments to keep stars playing—at least according to every devout hurling fan I asked. As I can now attest, hurling at its highest level and in a live setting has more than enough action, drama, and sticks to the face to grab any sports fan, regardless of national or county loyalties.
Not wanting to repeat being shut out of Croke Park, I bought tickets for a 2. All- Ireland semifinal online and months before the game. Watching with my family and 7.
Waterford’s win over Cork thrilled me as much as any sporting event I’d ever attended. And now, like all of Ireland, I can’t wait to see this year’s final. Galway will be seeking its first All- Ireland championship since 1. Waterford won its last title in 1. I was reminded earlier this week that my enthusiasm for the big game won’t be shared by many folks on this side of the pond. I had phoned the biggest Irish bar in the D.
C. area, where I now live, and asked the guy who answered if they’d be showing Sunday’s hurling match.“What’s that?” he answered. Good god. Hurling is hurling, I told him. CORRECTION: A previous version of this story said Waterford won its last All- Ireland title in 1. Waterford’s last championship came in 1.